Now Don't Get Me Wrong...

Sure it's hard to balance boyfriend life and friend life, but you gotta do it. Mixing them is fine when everyone's comfortable with it. Now I've been in a relationship for almost six months now. My friends know him, they like him, and we all get along together. Now my best friend, whom I can hardly live without, just got a boyfriend. It's great, she's happy and it's awesome seeing her happy. But she hasn't been able to balance boyfriend and friend time. Last night we went to this great event but we could only stay two hours because she just had to go see her boyfriend after his football game. Two hours may seem like a lot but it went by in a matter of minutes. It wasn't fun having to leave early just so she could drop me off and go see her boyfriend. I was really looking forward to a long fun night with my best friend. It just didn't happen. Now I understand that going to two different schools can be difficult, but friends came first and you have to make room for them. If I want to make plans with her they have to end early because she has to see her boyfriend. I don't like it. I would like to approach her about this topic but I don't want to seem like a bad friend. They are in a new relationship but it honestly isn't that new anymore. I just want some friend time.

Get Out

Sometimes you just gotta get out and do something. Do something you want to do and just have fun, let loose. Take a mini vacation for yourself. Don't care what anyone else thinks. Just be you. I've realized that I need that. A mini vacation just for me. And I'm going to do it. Whether anyone likes it or not. Your life is meant to be lived by YOU, not anyone else. Do what YOU want, and do what makes YOU happy. Don't like by anyone else's rules. Live by your own.

It's Okay To Feel That Way

I never understood why people hide their feelings. They are meant to be expressed. If you are sad, then be sad. Don't pretend you aren't. It's okay to have feelings, and it's okay to feel them. Sure, that's lame to say. It's true though. Frankly all the people out there that push their emotions down or shove them in a box never to be opened again, they are stupid. It's that simple. If you don't express what you're feeling or say what's going on with you, how do you expect to feel better? Sit alone in the dark and cry? Eat till you're full then eat more? No. Be a grown up and tell a friend or even someone you barely know. Odds are, saying them out loud will help you realize something. Don't be stupid. Be honest with yourself, don't cause your body more harm and stress. Everyone deserves to be happy, and if you are happy then feel free to express it.

Too Much

I'm tired. Just dead tired. Sleep is hard to come by these days, and so is any kind of rest. School, life, friends, family...it's too much. I'm just asking for one day, one little day all to myself. To sleep, eat and do nothing. I need rest. And this is starting to be the busiest time of the year too! Holidays are fast approaching, even though it may not seem like it...just watch, in a few short weeks it's going to hit like a tsunami. I wish humans could hibernate. That is all.

Sitting Here In The Dark

As I sit here in my swivel chair, elbows propped up on my desk, hands clasped under my chin. As I sit here thinking, in the dark with only the gentle glow of the computer monitor, eyes closed, lights off, the quiet hum of the fan. I sit here and I just wonder. I think. I postulate. I ponder. I'm just sitting here in the dark and letting my brain run free. It's jumping around from place to place. Past, present, future. I think about something and right as I come to a realization, my brain yanks it away and I move on to my next thought. But through all this mess, and clutter and dysfunctional unorganized disaster, I find things. Things that are repressed or that were just simply lost in the hustle and bustle of my life. Stuff I rarely go back to, certain memories tossed away to the side. My life is literally flashing before my eyes right now and I can't seem to hold onto or remember any of it. It's all blur. And it's strange how all this thinking came to be about. The clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy, who knew.

You Just Know

We are young and stupid, I know this. But does that change anything? Our peers look at us and think "yeah they are cute together, but it's just a high school thing", adults look at us and say "they are kids, what do they know?" But the people who have truly lived and have found something like we have found they simply say, "It will be tough, but good luck." And honestly that is the best feeling in the world. This boy, this kid, this young man I have come to known for five years is a big part of my life. There's something inside me that knows, it just knows that this is something greater than the both of us. Something we can't avoid or get away from. It's just one of those things that very few people encounter and we are lucky enough to be a part of. Now I don't want to get all mushy gushy lovey dovey on you guys, but I'm dead serious. Some people don't believe in fate, or true love, or having a soul mate. And that's their opinion. I respect that. But then there are the very few who do believe in that stuff. Of course we can't come out and say it. People think our beliefs are foolish and just plain stupid. But ancient civilizations believed in this stuff, people who we think are great scholars agree that there is something that is great and powerful out there that intertwines our lives for some reason. There is a purpose. I believe in fate, in serendipity, in true love, and soul mates. I believe all that because I know, I just know that there something out there and it's telling me that what I have, what I'm experiencing right now, it's meant to be.

Normal

Is there such thing? Normal. You hear it all the time. "Be normal" "I want things to go back to normal" What is this 'normal' everyone is talking about? Is it a state of mind? Something tangible? Does it exist? No, it doesn't. If it did then we would have nothing. Nothing would change, ever. Normal doesn't exist because things are always moving and changing and being destroyed. You can't call it normal if it has changed in some way. Don't you agree? The normalcy of ones life is all in their imagination. I have no normal. I'm far from anything remotely normal. I'm the complete opposite. But I'm fine with that. There's some people who spend their lives searching for this ideal and normal lifestyle that doesn't even exist. It's fiction. A mere conspiracy.

I'm Upset

I hate feelings. They are just stupid. When you have feelings that means you have to feel them. And it sucks. Because when you're angry you feel all the things that come with anger and you can't stop it. I'd much rather have no feelings so I can go on and live my life in complete and utter stupidity. Unaware of what feelings can cause and become. Sure there are good feelings we have; love, happiness, care. But how long do those last? Not very long in my experience. But pain, hurt, loss...those, well they can last forever. Right now, I'm upset. I feel angry and sad and hurt and just completely stupid. And I can't help it. I think about something else but then my twisted and disturbed mind brings me back to these painful feelings. I can't escape them. It's like I'm unintentionally trying to torture myself. It's psychotic warfare with myself and my better half is losing. I'm just stuck here in this endless cycle, my two minds against each other. There's no end to the madness. I want to be happy and just laugh this off, but I'm not strong enough. My happy is just too weak.