If any of you were to see me right now, enjoying my breakfast and sitting up straight at my laptop, you would probably not being able to guess that ten minutes ago was sitting crouched on my kitchen floor, crying, and talking to some sort of greater power. That's who I am though. Our outsides never truly reflect what storm is brewing in our souls. I'm not a religious person, nor do I associate myself with any type of religion. But today, as I was crouched against the frigid kitchen floor, hands clasped, I found myself begging whatever greater being that may be out there to just give me a break. A popular, and somewhat stupid phrase, is that we are never given more than we can handle. HA! Some people are stronger than others, but does that mean they don't want a break every once in awhile? I don't mean stronger as in physical strength. Stronger emotionally, mentally, even spiritually. Those people deserve a break too. I have done everything asked of me since as long as I can remember. I have even gone above and beyond for people. But lately, as the time for giving thanks is rolling around, it feels like the rest of my life is rolling out of control. I'm an overachieving control freak with a constant need to please everyone. That emotional breakdown, or panic attack, or whatever it was this morning was just one of many. I use to be strong. I could handle anything you threw at me. I'm no longer the same person, I'm not use to being weak and not having control or a plan. This is new territory and it scares the hell out of me. That takes a lot to admit. I'm scared. I'm scared about the past, present, and future. I'm scared I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared I'm doing it all wrong. There is no one to hold my hand and tell me "It's going to be alright, I'm right here."
After reading everything I have written to you guys, I see two things; the first is that I can finally admit how scared I am, and the second is that I'm done lying to myself. If we don't accept how we feel and show it, it will slowly kill us. Currently I am only in the second stage of grief; anger. I'm angry that I'm scared, and scared that I'm so angry. Here's what I'm taking away from this, and what I hope some people going through the same thing will take away as well. It's alright not to be in control. Let me use a horrible metaphor. We add to our life constantly. Like you would add ingredients in a blender. One thing after the next. Then one day, Life turns on the blender. Everything you had placed in there is now is all blended up into a big mess. It's frustrating and terrifying, and all you can do is freak out. But you have to let things settle. All that is unimportant will be pureed, while everything of substance in your life remains intact. I'm still angry with Life, but I'm waiting for things to settle.
