Jinxed

Remember how I said everything is fine and dandy now? I was wrong. In fact, the universe reacted so quickly to me being happy, I actually laughed and applauded its timing. Such great timing. Here I was, sitting in my high and mighty chair, thinking that I have finally reached the best possible point of this year. Everything was aligned. Then I got the news that my significant other is moving, and it's nowhere close.

Normally, I'd let my emotions take the reigns and become a mushy mess for the next 4 months. But no, that did not happen. At first I thought, "Hey, I've grown. I've matured. I no longer give in to those emotions," when in actuality I have only somehow suppressed them and can not seem to bring them to the surface. I know I should be feeling something, but I'm not. Okay, so maybe I'm not feeling nothing, I am feeling a lot of anger. I know it's covering up other feelings, but I can't seem to tap in to them. Have I gone too numb? Does my body know it will hurt too much and therefore created some sort of defense mechanism?

My mind is going a million miles a minute, so I am writing to you all when, really, I should be telling all of this to my other half. I should be explaining to him that because I was left here before I know how the abandonment aches and leaves a pain that can echo through your entire body. I've tried and done the distance thing and it failed, miserably. I've given the 110% only to be left by myself staring at a screen. The visits will get less frequent. Little things will start to become burdens. Who will crack first? I've been there and done that and I don't want to do it again. The first time nearly broke me. Logically, I understand that this time could be different because I have someone who is willing to go to the ends of the world for me. But nothing can silence the scream of the past that's there to remind you of one of your darkest times. And trust me, it's a loud scream. I'm crippled right now and it only gets worse. I don't think my psyche could handle another loss like that if it doesn't work. How do I explain this all? Even to strangers on the Internet I can't fully convey how this makes me feel, still too numb.

This post is dedicated to the universe for really getting it this time. There's too many reasons why I deserve it.

Round Two

I know I have lost many of you due to my lack of posting, I got the angry emails. Ouch, by the way. But, here's the deal; I realized that the only reason I had so many things to say before was because I had no one to confide in. I was unhappy and lost. Now that I'm actually confident and happy with my life, I don't find as many lessons to share with you. This is perplexing though. Why is it that when we are happy there are less questions? I actually have an answer for you. When I'm happy, I don't want to question as to why I am because then I'll start to overthink and we all know that won't end well. There are still lessons in happiness though. I know it. So, all this basically means is that I'm going to be posting more "lessons on happiness"...except, I'll start tomorrow. I have a date tonight.

Sorry, I'm not actually sorry.

I have a life. I don't apologize for that.
However, I do have questions and postulations to discuss with you.
I am young, I know this. It has been discussed before. Now, I have a serious question: is there such thing as mature love? I don't mean the kind where you have been married for fifty years. I mean the kind where you are older, have had life experiences, and fall in love. Just because you're mature, does that mean you automatically are mature with your relationship? Do you have control of your love?
I had always assumed, that when you're older, you know how to love and it's easier. I was dead wrong. I think it may even be worse.

Release the Kraken

Starting over with a new relationship is terrifying and satisfying all at once. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is, romantic or friendly, you still have to start from that dreaded square one. There is no denying that it's more comfortable when someone already knows your darkest secrets and most embarrassing moments. Starting over means you have to relive all the big moments of your life again, including the unpleasant ones. Then there's the issue of timing. And like they say, timing is everything. When is the right time to bring up your past? It's almost impossible to answer that question with an answer that satisfies everyone. Some people believe it's best to just get it all out in the open right away so you have more time to experience life with each other. There's also the option of waiting until you both feel comfortable vomiting out your life story to each other. And lastly, there's the "just wait for the right moment" approach. Each of these ways has its pros and cons. If you want to start off your relationship by just laying everything out in the beginning you don't have those lingering questions as your relationship progresses because you have already shared with each other. BUT, you risk scaring each other by revealing too much too soon. Waiting until you are both comfortable with having that conversation is a mature approach and makes the most sense. But you risk over thinking it and maybe even rehearsing what you'll say making it less of a weight lifting experience. The last choice gives you time to learn about each other in a natural way and let everything take it's own course. At the same time, waiting for the right moment makes you wonder, what exactly IS the right moment?

On top of all that, you're dealing with your personal vulnerability. In order for this person to get to know you, you have to let your walls down. Easier said than done. Letting yourself express your feelings is almost crippling. There's a saying that goes something like- if it's the right person it will be easy to let your guard down. I call BS. It's never easy to willingly be vulnerable. It takes a lot of mental preparation.

Enough with the scary stuff. New beginnings also means you get a fresh start. Whatever mistakes you made before are not going to be held against you. You get to take your knowledge with you and move on. New is exciting! There's endless possibilities. It is hard to fully express what it feels like to have this new start unless you've experienced it before. But this "newness" will eventually become comfortable. I'm not saying it gets boring, but sometimes it does. But don't despair my friends! There is still more new things to experience even if you're comfortable in your relationship. You get to do NEW things TOGETHER. Isn't that amazing? You have someone to share experiences and adventures with.

Starting over is scary. But so is doing anything else you've never done before.

Oh, and one last thing, it's great to be back!