Remember how I said everything is fine and dandy now? I was wrong. In fact, the universe reacted so quickly to me being happy, I actually laughed and applauded its timing. Such great timing. Here I was, sitting in my high and mighty chair, thinking that I have finally reached the best possible point of this year. Everything was aligned. Then I got the news that my significant other is moving, and it's nowhere close.
Normally, I'd let my emotions take the reigns and become a mushy mess for the next 4 months. But no, that did not happen. At first I thought, "Hey, I've grown. I've matured. I no longer give in to those emotions," when in actuality I have only somehow suppressed them and can not seem to bring them to the surface. I know I should be feeling something, but I'm not. Okay, so maybe I'm not feeling nothing, I am feeling a lot of anger. I know it's covering up other feelings, but I can't seem to tap in to them. Have I gone too numb? Does my body know it will hurt too much and therefore created some sort of defense mechanism?
My mind is going a million miles a minute, so I am writing to you all when, really, I should be telling all of this to my other half. I should be explaining to him that because I was left here before I know how the abandonment aches and leaves a pain that can echo through your entire body. I've tried and done the distance thing and it failed, miserably. I've given the 110% only to be left by myself staring at a screen. The visits will get less frequent. Little things will start to become burdens. Who will crack first? I've been there and done that and I don't want to do it again. The first time nearly broke me. Logically, I understand that this time could be different because I have someone who is willing to go to the ends of the world for me. But nothing can silence the scream of the past that's there to remind you of one of your darkest times. And trust me, it's a loud scream. I'm crippled right now and it only gets worse. I don't think my psyche could handle another loss like that if it doesn't work. How do I explain this all? Even to strangers on the Internet I can't fully convey how this makes me feel, still too numb.
This post is dedicated to the universe for really getting it this time. There's too many reasons why I deserve it.
Normally, I'd let my emotions take the reigns and become a mushy mess for the next 4 months. But no, that did not happen. At first I thought, "Hey, I've grown. I've matured. I no longer give in to those emotions," when in actuality I have only somehow suppressed them and can not seem to bring them to the surface. I know I should be feeling something, but I'm not. Okay, so maybe I'm not feeling nothing, I am feeling a lot of anger. I know it's covering up other feelings, but I can't seem to tap in to them. Have I gone too numb? Does my body know it will hurt too much and therefore created some sort of defense mechanism?
My mind is going a million miles a minute, so I am writing to you all when, really, I should be telling all of this to my other half. I should be explaining to him that because I was left here before I know how the abandonment aches and leaves a pain that can echo through your entire body. I've tried and done the distance thing and it failed, miserably. I've given the 110% only to be left by myself staring at a screen. The visits will get less frequent. Little things will start to become burdens. Who will crack first? I've been there and done that and I don't want to do it again. The first time nearly broke me. Logically, I understand that this time could be different because I have someone who is willing to go to the ends of the world for me. But nothing can silence the scream of the past that's there to remind you of one of your darkest times. And trust me, it's a loud scream. I'm crippled right now and it only gets worse. I don't think my psyche could handle another loss like that if it doesn't work. How do I explain this all? Even to strangers on the Internet I can't fully convey how this makes me feel, still too numb.
This post is dedicated to the universe for really getting it this time. There's too many reasons why I deserve it.
