Review

I make the same resolution every year; write more. This year I accomplished more writing than I have since school. I have also been gone for quite sometime, so I thought a fun first post would be a look back at this year.
I could list out everything that happened this year, the good and the bad. But I tried that, and deleted everything I wrote. The main thing this 2018 brought was lessons. I learned more than I wanted. Most of these lessons were painful and just plain sucked. I lost so much of myself. So much of my life was wrapped up in these people that, in the end, drained me and left. I experienced the biggest betrayal. Really don't want to relive that so we are going to skip it. I am thankful for these lessons because they allowed me to drop so much extra weight I was carrying. I finally got to take a good look at myself. I still don't understand much about this strange universe we live in. All I can be certain of right now is that next year I get to rebuild myself. Let's hope it's less painful than being demolished.
There was a lot to look back on these past three sixty days. I have found humans focus on the negative more often than the positive. I may have been crushed this year, but I was given a few things. A box of kittens was left behind my house and I became a cat mom to the most awful, and handsome cat. Zuko and his human dad brought me so much joy. I celebrated a year of living with my boyfriend. My mom is practically cancer free. So many sweet, little moments happened. I may not remember all the good stuff, but I know it happened.
Alright, time to let 2019 hit me.

New

"I've never been a fan. I hate change. I hate new things. I don't like adding. It's much easier to take away. Sure, that's also change . . . but I like what I like. Three. It's always been three. Me. And two. Then the number grew. It didn't stop. Now it's made its way in to my happy place. Those two. I know it's beyond childish. I can handle them together when it's us against them. Or them against me. But I can't do one more. And there's always one more to worry about. Then I'm left on the outside. I'm not new. Not shiny. Not intriguing. I'm just something they remember eventually. It's always that way. It's not going to change. I'm always wrong. Always. I can't handle change. God. I am wrong. But being right means I have to let things change. And I can't fucking do that or I'll scream. Change has never been good, I'm never happy. That's why I want to die because if I die, nothing changes. I'm still forgotten, so it won't make a difference to anyone anyways. Maybe if I allowed it to happen, I could be happy. That's two things though: MAYBE & IF. How am I suppose to do this anymore? I really don't know."

That piece was written almost a year ago. Was I dark, or what? I'm glad I can gauge where I am mentally based on my journaling. I can see my progress, or set backs, and actually look at my life on a piece of paper.

Now, please enjoy the updated version of "New".

"Life is a constant change. From day one we don't stop changing, growing, or learning. In the span of a year, I have turned into the woman I have always wanted to be. When I was naive, it made sense that change was scary. Luckily, I was taught patience. Things are going to keep moving forward; and the rate that I live my life doesn't have to keep up with everything else. 

Grand Gestures

I've never been able to gauge wether or not people appreciate grand gestures. I'm about to do something risky. And I don't plan on telling any of my friends about it. There's someone in my life I've been missing and the 4th of July is an interesting date we share. She stood me up a few years ago when we had plans to watch the fireworks together. Her not showing up was one of the most heart breaking moments of my life. Even though we don't talk now and she thinks I'm not her friend, I still want her in my life. It's self destructive and we have a lot to work through but I know I can win her over.
Now, for the plan. It's simple and cliche. I'm going to ask her to meet me at the top of a local parking structure, on the 4th of July, and I'm going to wait until she shows up. I have faith.

Wish me luck.

Cirlces

I've been struggling with my next topic. It seems I've already exhausted my top talking points. It's so easy to get stuck in a cycle. Not just a routine, but an actual cycle. It just keeps going year after year. I want to break it. I don't want a new relationship every two years. I don't want to be a crappy human. I want to learn how to be the best version of myself. 

In light of my most recent realization, I have decided to investigate this path toward sex and love addiction. Not saying that I plan on becoming addicted, I already am and now I'm trying to fix this. I entered my first chat room, downloaded all the literature. Finding a face to face meeting has proven to be harder than I thought. I haven't had much help navigating the world of love and relationships. It's a pretty foreign concept to me. What even makes a healthy relationship? My current standing is dealing with transparency. It is not my first choice (that is for sure), but it's what I'm working on right now. You guys have read the struggles I have with all of this business. I thought my problems were based on lack of experience or immaturity. In reality it's based off my own personal traumas that led me to believe this is how love works. That I should be begging for affection and struggling with serious jealousy. It shouldn't be this painful.

I'm terrified. If this doesn't work I'm not sure a happy relationship is in my future. Wish me luck.

Tornado

Hello, world. It's nice to be back. I don't apologize, per usual, for my absence. But, I have decided to return to writing because my mental health is depending on it.

I wrote those first few sentences close to two years ago. It's surprising that they are still so true. My life is still a tornado. Yet, I know I have grown so much the last two years. It's 2018 and I am still struggling to understad what my life is really about. I'm 22, jobless, in a new relationship, lost a friend, moved out... the list goes on. I guess we have a lot of catchin up to do.

But that's ridiculous. Do I really want to start this up again? Will I be okay digging into my thoughts and sharing them with the world? I think so. Hopefully.