Well . . .

I don't have any life lessons for you guys today, so I decided an update might do instead. IT IS FINALS WEEK. I am freaking out, non-stop, mostly because I  have no idea what I'm doing with my life. That is probably a lie, but it's finals week. I can say whatever I want because I think I'm dying. This update is more for my mental health than anything else.

I lied. I do have a life lessson. It just came to me as I was writting about the status of my nonexistent mental health. So, it appears college is a time for many firsts. Plenty of new experiences to keep you on your toes throughout your journey. Last time I shared that I was happy. I am hapy. And even though I'm questioning every choice I make this week, I am still happy. I'm not going to share too much because I'm still trying to figure it out for myself. But just know, the universe heard me and it decided that it was my turn. This time, I don't mind being a little clueless about my next move or what's going to happen. I am enjoying the ride for once. Taking in all the scenery. I promise, that when the time is right I will share with you all. But for now, I'm keeping this new found magic to myself. It's more fun to leave the public wondering.

Finally

There comes a time after an event where you are hit with the lesson you are suppose to learn or the realization you are suppose to come to. I have learned my lesson and come to that realization. This actually happened awhile ago, I'm just now finally getting around to sharing it.

I am a happy person in general. I know who I am, and I basically know what I want for myself. Sure, things may get foggy every now and then, but that's just life. I am happy. I can't stop saying that. Sometimes it takes a good kick in the pants to realize what you really want or need from and for yourself. The way I see it, life is like you are writing your own book. You can do what ever the hell you want with it. Rip out a chapter, start a new one, change the subject. It's YOUR life. I started a new chapter. And I really like it. These past few weeks I have been learning so much about myself. Parts of me that I have left untouched because I was too scared before to ask myself the hard questions. I let certain feelings dictate my actions, when in actuality, that's not who I really am. I plan, I think, I prepare. I know how I feel and I'm blunt about it. But this doesn't mean I don't leave room for love, and spontaneity, and risks. Those are some of my favorite things. There's no time to leave your heart closed, no matter what happened before. People are too scared, too skeptical to admit they want to be happy. I don't say that lightly. About 90% of you who will read this may be offended, but it's true. As humans we want to be happy. Yet we are too scared to take the risk. Too skeptical to think it's real and will last. That's no way to live.

Start a new chapter, I dare you.

And It's Only Thursday

If any of you were to see me right now, enjoying my breakfast and sitting up straight at my laptop, you would probably not being able to guess that ten minutes ago was sitting crouched on my kitchen floor, crying, and talking to some sort of greater power. That's who I am though. Our outsides never truly reflect what storm is brewing in our souls. I'm not a religious person, nor do I associate myself with any type of religion. But today, as I was crouched against the frigid kitchen floor, hands clasped, I found myself begging whatever greater being that may be out there to just give me a break. A popular, and somewhat stupid phrase, is that we are never given more than we can handle. HA! Some people are stronger than others, but does that mean they don't want a break every once in awhile? I don't mean stronger as in physical strength. Stronger emotionally, mentally, even spiritually. Those people deserve a break too. I have done everything asked of me since as long as I can remember. I have even gone above and beyond for people. But lately, as the time for giving thanks is rolling around, it feels like the rest of my life is rolling out of control. I'm an overachieving control freak with a constant need to please everyone. That emotional breakdown, or panic attack, or whatever it was this morning was just one of many. I use to be strong. I could handle anything you threw at me. I'm no longer the same person, I'm not use to being weak and not having control or a plan. This is new territory and it scares the hell out of me. That takes a lot to admit. I'm scared. I'm scared about the past, present, and future. I'm scared I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared I'm doing it all wrong. There is no one to hold my hand and tell me "It's going to be alright, I'm right here." 

After reading everything I have written to you guys, I see two things; the first is that I can finally admit how scared I am, and the second is that I'm done lying to myself. If we don't accept how we feel and show it, it will slowly kill us. Currently I am only in the second stage of grief; anger. I'm angry that I'm scared, and scared that I'm so angry. Here's what I'm taking away from this, and what I hope some people going through the same thing will take away as well. It's alright not to be in control. Let me use a horrible metaphor. We add to our life constantly. Like you would add ingredients in a blender. One thing after the next. Then one day, Life turns on the blender. Everything you had placed in there is now is all blended up into a big mess. It's frustrating and terrifying, and all you can do is freak out. But you have to let things settle. All that is unimportant will be pureed, while everything of substance in your life remains intact. I'm still angry with Life, but I'm waiting for things to settle.

Heartbreak really fuels the creative fires within. I haven't written in a long time, maybe I'll actually write a book finally.

Never Before

No matter how old you get, you will always find yourself in new situations. Honestly I never thought I'd find myself in this one. I haven't been alone for over two years. I've had someone to love and share my life with. But I guess the problem was that I knew what I wanted and I never asked what my other half wanted. I should have done that more often. I'd like to say I have no regrets, that would be a lie though. I do have one, and one is all I need to miss everything we had. I don't like missing things, I don't like change. And like he said, "This could either be something good or the biggest mistake." I'd be lying again if I said I was hoping for the first part, but we all know I'm wishing this is a big mistake. Normally I'm filled with words of wisdom, but I have nothing right now. Never before have I been in a situation where I didn't know what to do. I guess sometimes you have to be clueless.

Working Backwards

"Unless you write the ending first and work backwards."
Such a simple thought, but I haven't been able to shake what other meanings this little sentence holds. Now work with me here, but imagine we could work backwards. I don't mean walking and talking backwards. Imagine you could see the last moment you are alive, would you change how you live from now on? As I sit here at my laptop, looking out my window with a terrible view, I can't help but reflect. If four years ago I knew I'd be doing just this, would I change anything I've done? Let's throw it back to 2010 when I wrote my first post. I had a completely different style of writing and was basically a different person compared to now. Think back four years ago to your former self. No matter how old you are, you have changed in some way. Four years is a long time. You could have had four kids, gotten married, divorced, lost someone, invented something, completed something, ruined something. The possibilities are endless. In those four years I completed high school, lost two friends, got a few people to hate me, made a name for myself, and discovered who I am. Sounds like a lot for an 18 year old, huh? Trust me when I say that it's nothing compared to the last eight years of my life. As nice as it would be to work backwards, I can't help but fall in love with the serendipity of life. I love planning, but I know my plans don't compare to life's plan for me. I can write a book from the end to the beginning, but when it comes to my own life, I'm too busy looking forward to bother with what I could have done differently, as should all of you.

I Did It My Way

The phrase "being young and stupid" often goes hand in hand with "young and in love". I never really noticed this until recently when I looked at my own decisions. Except, I'm not calling them stupid. Every move I make is calculated and carefully dissected. I leave room for error, because no plan is perfect, and I continue. The point I'm trying to get across is that as a freshman in college, I'm not given much credit for what I've already accomplished. I graduated high school. Every one's rebuttal to that is "just wait till college" "they were babying you in high school" "just wait for the real world". Well if the real world is anything like dealing with vicious rumors and crazy hormones 24/7, then I'm fine with waiting for the "real world". The choices I make now may or may not have anything to do with what I'm going to accomplish in the future. Leaving high school was honestly the scariest thing I have ever done. And I've done some pretty scary stuff. But the choices I made in high school are just as "real world" as the choices I'll make in the next couple years. College is just an extension of my learning career and that's all I see it as. Another thing I have to conquer and then eventually leave. I'm making my own path right now. Of course I'm taking advice from family and the wiser people in my life, but I'm not going to let their voices be the only ones I hear. It's advice, not rules. The past 17 years have consisted of following and relying on other peoples maps. But now the world has offered me a blank canvas and I intend to paint whatever I want on there. Whether it be grad school, a job, or following the one I love up north. Nothing is written in stone. But at the end of it all, I'm going to be able to say that I did it my way.

Danger of the Unknown

I will be the first to admit that the unknown scares the sh*t out of me. I'm the kind of person who wants to know everything no matter how bad it may be. I hate surprises. Being in control is something most of us like. When you're in control you feel safe because you know what your limitations are and you're not going to go past them. Life doesn't like that though. Life is all about chaos and the unknown. If it were up to me I would plan everything from now till the day I die. If I could, I'd even plan the details of my own death. Obviously, that isn't going to happen. People out there say we need to embrace the unknown. Well I say no. I want to embrace me. I don't want to take on something I am not. I am a planner and I'm not going to change that. That doesn't mean I won't take a risk now and then, it just means I'm not going to risk something I'm not ready to lose.

Top of the Morning to "Ya"

Good morning my fellow bloggers, readers, humans, unicorn enthusiasts. I'm sitting at my laptop drinking my coffee and enjoy a delicious toaster strudel, and I thought "hey, why not blog a little."

Recently I have disappointed someone. I hate that. You all remember that "people pleaser" rant I did awhile back. But this time there's no fixing it. Sometimes the more you try to fix it the worse you'll make it, and you can't decide if it's worth it or maybe meant to be left alone. Then there's also the option of giving it time. Which doesn't work for us impatient people. Quick fixes don't always mean lasting results. It's like putting duct tape on your side view mirror. Sure it will hold for awhile but eventually you'll hit something and you'll really need to get it fixed.

Switching moods here, there are also times when you can't do all the work. All relationships involve give and take from both parties. Somehow, in this day and age, this idea is considered archaic. We are use to the easy fixes and temporary solutions. Once the first "solution" has given in, we call it quits.

Next is the apologies. Which everyone sucks at. You can be sincere all you want, but really, what do apologies accomplish? It is really hard to say "I'm sorry." I have no idea why it's so difficult, but it is. Then you have the person receiving the apology, which is equally as difficult. The reason being; forgiveness. Are you willing to forgive them for what they did? Is the apology going to make a difference with whatever kind of relationship you have? Will two words really fix everything?

Here are the answers: I don't know.

The secret to a real apology is terrifying. Most people shudder at the idea. It is not just being sincere and telling them what they want to hear. You have to let them know you understand what you did and then explain it. You have to ask how it made them feel and think back to when you have felt the same. You have to let down all of your walls and show them that you can be hurt the same way. Then, and only then, will you have truly begun the process of apologizing.

Now the secret to forgiveness is...tricky. Forgiving someone is truly a wonder in itself. Even I don't understand it completely. Maybe some metaphors will help. Having someone you know you can trust is like a puppy. They may accidentally bite you and pee on the carpet (not literally) but you know those are things you can work past. Those are the types of people you can forgive because you know they weren't trying to hurt you. Then there are the ones you never expected to hurt you. They are like cancer. Once you find out, it can be too late. Those are the people we can't forgive because all you feel is that they built everything on a lie. Then there are those who are like alcoholism. You feel you need them and you constantly make excuses for you and them and why you keep letting them back in. The only real solution is to cut them out for good.

I know I'm missing a lot, but I'm only 18. I shouldn't even know this much. 

As usual, I covered more than one topic and it got a little messy. But hey, that's life.

Thank You, Universe...I Think

It has just been one of those days....
I woke up thinking today would be my first day of real freedom. I have my own car and my own agenda, I don't have to rely on any one. Then half way through the day, my car stops. In the middle of an intersection. I frantically search for the emergency lights and bang my head on the steering wheel. Luckily it starts and I drive to two different mechanics who tell me it's the oil. I ask them if it can wait till tomorrow and they say yes. I then move along to pick up my brother from summer school...then the car stops again. We call my mom and she instructs us to go to her mechanic so we can get this fixed. She has to drive through 5 different cities and I have to drive five miles...I didn't even make it to the mechanic. It had to be towed three blocks. (Thank you AAA) The car stopped multiple times, twice in the same intersection. Turns out I need a new engine. Bought the car yesterday, it's used, and the dealer says they won't do anything to help. Now I'm back to relying on people and it all sucks.

The only lesson I could really gather from this experience is that the universe is never working against you, even when it seems like it. On the way home we drove by a crash that had happened hours earlier. I like to think that the universe saved me from that. I could be wrong, but I could be right. It's all about perspective.

Now I shall go back to online shopping and other teenage things. Talk to you all soon!

My Apologies; Have some updates and thank you's

I have neglected my duties to you, the readers. But now you all have my full attention. Thank you for the e-mails asking if I am doing alright and wondering when I will get back on. Well, here I am!

Recently graduated high school. Crazy, right? Some of you have been following this blog since I started it at the beginning of my freshman year. Lots of things have changed since then, mostly me. But without every one's support this blog wouldn't have made it. Thank you to those who sent me questions, you know which posts are dedicated to you. And thank you to those who casually pass by. I hope I made you look at the world differently, a change in perspective can really open your mind.

Now what? Well...I guess it's time for college. I know what you're thinking though, and the answer is yes. I will still have time for this blog. In fact, I might even have more time than before.

Updates: High school graduate, college freshman, still don't know what to do with my life, new car, need a job, and summer vacation.

This wouldn't be an official "Alex post" without some words of wisdom from yours truly...
I am 18. I'm still a baby in the eyes of some, but that doesn't mean I don't understand life. Well yes, I do have many more years to go before I can truly come to conclusions about how this whole storm of events somehow cultivated itself into what I refer to as "my life". What I do know, and what I will share, is that life's agenda is based on timing. That lull you feel, that makes you go through day by day instead of living day by day, it pays off. Life does throw your surprises. It can be the kind words of a stranger or a new friend. In any case, you need to realize that no matter how much you think the universe, or whatever you believe in, is working against you, it's just toughening you up so you can enjoy that is yet to come.
Keep in touch my friends, and I can't wait to share new adventures and lessons with you.

To help, or not to help

Being the type of person with a natural motherly instinct can really, well, it can really suck. When you have someone you care about struggling with something, there's more than one way to handle it. There are those who ignore it. There are those who just suck when it comes to consoling. And then there are those who know exactly what to do. If you fall into the last category, I guarantee you have another problem as well. Sometimes we come across a person who you feel the need to help. You drive yourself crazy trying to do everything you can just to make them smile. You go the extra distance to try and do anything possible to just fix what they say is broken. And in the end you realize, no matter what you do, they will never fully accept your help for some reason. And that bothers you. It eats at you. If you can't help them, and they won't accept it, what will you do? It begins to become something selfish. You only try and help them to satisfy something in your life. The desire to help, to fix, to undo a mistake. That feeling you have in the pit of your stomach when you think you've failed them. If they don't accept your help, it must mean you did something wrong. Right? If you can't help them, how can you ever help somebody else? It really breaks your heart, especially when you realize what's making them feel this way is the only thing that can make them feel right again. And everything you did is forever lost.