I really hate self loathing. I hate wallowing. I hate pity. Which makes life a little tricky sometimes when upsetting challenges are presented. Hate is a lazy word. I despise. This "fresh start" is testing my patience and sanity to the fullest extent. I feel alone. The most alone I've felt in a long time. I only find enjoyment in filling my lonely time with meaningless activities. Do I even care? Am I too numb for my own feelings? It's possible. I would rather not feel. But if I do want to feel, I'd have it be pain. At least it's something you can get use to. Happiness, well what's the point? It is so easily taken from us. Why even bother to get comfortable with something? All I can say for myself right now...it's going to be a long, long time before I can even think about wanting to be happy again. Wow, look at me. Sitting in self loathing, wallowing, pitying. I despise myself. No wonder he doesn't love me.
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