Working Backwards

"Unless you write the ending first and work backwards."
Such a simple thought, but I haven't been able to shake what other meanings this little sentence holds. Now work with me here, but imagine we could work backwards. I don't mean walking and talking backwards. Imagine you could see the last moment you are alive, would you change how you live from now on? As I sit here at my laptop, looking out my window with a terrible view, I can't help but reflect. If four years ago I knew I'd be doing just this, would I change anything I've done? Let's throw it back to 2010 when I wrote my first post. I had a completely different style of writing and was basically a different person compared to now. Think back four years ago to your former self. No matter how old you are, you have changed in some way. Four years is a long time. You could have had four kids, gotten married, divorced, lost someone, invented something, completed something, ruined something. The possibilities are endless. In those four years I completed high school, lost two friends, got a few people to hate me, made a name for myself, and discovered who I am. Sounds like a lot for an 18 year old, huh? Trust me when I say that it's nothing compared to the last eight years of my life. As nice as it would be to work backwards, I can't help but fall in love with the serendipity of life. I love planning, but I know my plans don't compare to life's plan for me. I can write a book from the end to the beginning, but when it comes to my own life, I'm too busy looking forward to bother with what I could have done differently, as should all of you.

I Did It My Way

The phrase "being young and stupid" often goes hand in hand with "young and in love". I never really noticed this until recently when I looked at my own decisions. Except, I'm not calling them stupid. Every move I make is calculated and carefully dissected. I leave room for error, because no plan is perfect, and I continue. The point I'm trying to get across is that as a freshman in college, I'm not given much credit for what I've already accomplished. I graduated high school. Every one's rebuttal to that is "just wait till college" "they were babying you in high school" "just wait for the real world". Well if the real world is anything like dealing with vicious rumors and crazy hormones 24/7, then I'm fine with waiting for the "real world". The choices I make now may or may not have anything to do with what I'm going to accomplish in the future. Leaving high school was honestly the scariest thing I have ever done. And I've done some pretty scary stuff. But the choices I made in high school are just as "real world" as the choices I'll make in the next couple years. College is just an extension of my learning career and that's all I see it as. Another thing I have to conquer and then eventually leave. I'm making my own path right now. Of course I'm taking advice from family and the wiser people in my life, but I'm not going to let their voices be the only ones I hear. It's advice, not rules. The past 17 years have consisted of following and relying on other peoples maps. But now the world has offered me a blank canvas and I intend to paint whatever I want on there. Whether it be grad school, a job, or following the one I love up north. Nothing is written in stone. But at the end of it all, I'm going to be able to say that I did it my way.

Danger of the Unknown

I will be the first to admit that the unknown scares the sh*t out of me. I'm the kind of person who wants to know everything no matter how bad it may be. I hate surprises. Being in control is something most of us like. When you're in control you feel safe because you know what your limitations are and you're not going to go past them. Life doesn't like that though. Life is all about chaos and the unknown. If it were up to me I would plan everything from now till the day I die. If I could, I'd even plan the details of my own death. Obviously, that isn't going to happen. People out there say we need to embrace the unknown. Well I say no. I want to embrace me. I don't want to take on something I am not. I am a planner and I'm not going to change that. That doesn't mean I won't take a risk now and then, it just means I'm not going to risk something I'm not ready to lose.