The Next Right Thing

Yes, this is the name of a song from the second Frozen movie. It is also my new motto. I never thought I would be the type to have a motto. It's lame. But things have changed so much. I have to remind myself everyday why I get up, why I continue. The list is short but important. Eventually I will get up and not have to convince myself that I'm okay because I will be okay. For now, I just get up and do the next right thing.

Keep Going, It's All You Can Do

I really hate self loathing. I hate wallowing. I hate pity. Which makes life a little tricky sometimes when upsetting challenges are presented. Hate is a lazy word. I despise. This "fresh start" is testing my patience and sanity to the fullest extent. I feel alone. The most alone I've felt in a long time. I only find enjoyment in filling my lonely time with meaningless activities. Do I even care? Am I too numb for my own feelings? It's possible. I would rather not feel. But if I do want to feel, I'd have it be pain. At least it's something you can get use to. Happiness, well what's the point? It is so easily taken from us. Why even bother to get comfortable with something? All I can say for myself right now...it's going to be a long, long time before I can even think about wanting to be happy again. Wow, look at me. Sitting in self loathing, wallowing, pitying. I despise myself. No wonder he doesn't love me.

A Fresh Start

I am not good at a lot of things. But I have always been good at getting hurt. At giving myself to the wrong people. At thinking everything is going to be okay right before it all blows up. I have to make a fresh start. I need a new name, new place, new people. A fresh start to make myself who I really want to be. I have always been me, just recently I have have gotten a little lost. I'm not sure why. It's pretty sad. Maybe love was the problem. This hurt I am experiencing is the most pain I have ever felt. I don't feel like a person. My mind is all over the place and I don't expect any of you to really understand what I'm rambling about right now. I'm grasping at straws. Still trying to land on my feet after the world I knew and loved was completely destroyed. I hope I will be okay. All I can really hope for at the moment is that I can survive.

Unadulterated Torture

This unadulterated torture we call life. This meaningless spin cycle we call existence. This crippling burden we call living. What’s it even for? No one has a fucking clue. It’s truly laughable how we, as humans, think we have an answer for living or why we exist. Even if we actually did have the answers, would you want to know? I don’t think there would be comfort in discovering there’s a reason for the pain. I’d rather live my life with a strong dose of naivete each morning. I use to believe that my life would consist of this starving hunger for knowledge. I wanted to know as much as I could. About everything. All of it. Little did I know that meant both ends of the spectrum. I entered this world with a little less dust on my eyes than most, an ability to see and think differently in this plane of existence. It seemed like a gift, in the beginning. Now, after almost too much life experience, I discovered how badly I need out of this life. How badly I want to dismiss this knowledge I’ve been burdened with. Because, let me tell you, due to the lack of “good” in the world, you spend most of this forsaken existence gobbling up the bad. The stuff unbridled fear is made of. The stuff too terrifying for your nightmares. The stuff that makes you believe there really is no point in continuing a human existence. 

Review

I make the same resolution every year; write more. This year I accomplished more writing than I have since school. I have also been gone for quite sometime, so I thought a fun first post would be a look back at this year.
I could list out everything that happened this year, the good and the bad. But I tried that, and deleted everything I wrote. The main thing this 2018 brought was lessons. I learned more than I wanted. Most of these lessons were painful and just plain sucked. I lost so much of myself. So much of my life was wrapped up in these people that, in the end, drained me and left. I experienced the biggest betrayal. Really don't want to relive that so we are going to skip it. I am thankful for these lessons because they allowed me to drop so much extra weight I was carrying. I finally got to take a good look at myself. I still don't understand much about this strange universe we live in. All I can be certain of right now is that next year I get to rebuild myself. Let's hope it's less painful than being demolished.
There was a lot to look back on these past three sixty days. I have found humans focus on the negative more often than the positive. I may have been crushed this year, but I was given a few things. A box of kittens was left behind my house and I became a cat mom to the most awful, and handsome cat. Zuko and his human dad brought me so much joy. I celebrated a year of living with my boyfriend. My mom is practically cancer free. So many sweet, little moments happened. I may not remember all the good stuff, but I know it happened.
Alright, time to let 2019 hit me.

New

"I've never been a fan. I hate change. I hate new things. I don't like adding. It's much easier to take away. Sure, that's also change . . . but I like what I like. Three. It's always been three. Me. And two. Then the number grew. It didn't stop. Now it's made its way in to my happy place. Those two. I know it's beyond childish. I can handle them together when it's us against them. Or them against me. But I can't do one more. And there's always one more to worry about. Then I'm left on the outside. I'm not new. Not shiny. Not intriguing. I'm just something they remember eventually. It's always that way. It's not going to change. I'm always wrong. Always. I can't handle change. God. I am wrong. But being right means I have to let things change. And I can't fucking do that or I'll scream. Change has never been good, I'm never happy. That's why I want to die because if I die, nothing changes. I'm still forgotten, so it won't make a difference to anyone anyways. Maybe if I allowed it to happen, I could be happy. That's two things though: MAYBE & IF. How am I suppose to do this anymore? I really don't know."

That piece was written almost a year ago. Was I dark, or what? I'm glad I can gauge where I am mentally based on my journaling. I can see my progress, or set backs, and actually look at my life on a piece of paper.

Now, please enjoy the updated version of "New".

"Life is a constant change. From day one we don't stop changing, growing, or learning. In the span of a year, I have turned into the woman I have always wanted to be. When I was naive, it made sense that change was scary. Luckily, I was taught patience. Things are going to keep moving forward; and the rate that I live my life doesn't have to keep up with everything else. 

Grand Gestures

I've never been able to gauge wether or not people appreciate grand gestures. I'm about to do something risky. And I don't plan on telling any of my friends about it. There's someone in my life I've been missing and the 4th of July is an interesting date we share. She stood me up a few years ago when we had plans to watch the fireworks together. Her not showing up was one of the most heart breaking moments of my life. Even though we don't talk now and she thinks I'm not her friend, I still want her in my life. It's self destructive and we have a lot to work through but I know I can win her over.
Now, for the plan. It's simple and cliche. I'm going to ask her to meet me at the top of a local parking structure, on the 4th of July, and I'm going to wait until she shows up. I have faith.

Wish me luck.