Keep Going, It's All You Can Do

I really hate self loathing. I hate wallowing. I hate pity. Which makes life a little tricky sometimes when upsetting challenges are presented. Hate is a lazy word. I despise. This "fresh start" is testing my patience and sanity to the fullest extent. I feel alone. The most alone I've felt in a long time. I only find enjoyment in filling my lonely time with meaningless activities. Do I even care? Am I too numb for my own feelings? It's possible. I would rather not feel. But if I do want to feel, I'd have it be pain. At least it's something you can get use to. Happiness, well what's the point? It is so easily taken from us. Why even bother to get comfortable with something? All I can say for myself right now...it's going to be a long, long time before I can even think about wanting to be happy again. Wow, look at me. Sitting in self loathing, wallowing, pitying. I despise myself. No wonder he doesn't love me.

A Fresh Start

I am not good at a lot of things. But I have always been good at getting hurt. At giving myself to the wrong people. At thinking everything is going to be okay right before it all blows up. I have to make a fresh start. I need a new name, new place, new people. A fresh start to make myself who I really want to be. I have always been me, just recently I have have gotten a little lost. I'm not sure why. It's pretty sad. Maybe love was the problem. This hurt I am experiencing is the most pain I have ever felt. I don't feel like a person. My mind is all over the place and I don't expect any of you to really understand what I'm rambling about right now. I'm grasping at straws. Still trying to land on my feet after the world I knew and loved was completely destroyed. I hope I will be okay. All I can really hope for at the moment is that I can survive.